By Oluwatoyin Omotayo Esq
“Why doesn’t she just leave?”
It is one of the most common questions asked about
domestic abuse and one of the most dangerous.
The phrase “just leave” sounds practical, even caring.
It suggests clarity, strength, and an obvious solution.
But in reality, it is advice that misunderstands how
abuse works and ignores the moment of greatest
danger for a victim. Leaving an abusive relationship is
not simply a test of courage. It is a calculated, high-
risk operation. And when done without strategy, it can
be fatal.
LEAVING IS THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME
Research and lived experience point to a sobering
reality: abuse often escalates when control is
threatened. For an abuser, the relationship is not about
love, it is about dominance. When a victim signals
departure, the abuser experiences loss of control, and
violence frequently intensifies.
Many women are not killed because they stayed. They
are killed because they tried to leave. Yet public discourse continues to frame leaving as simple,
immediate, and universally safe. This
misunderstanding does more than distort reality, it
shifts responsibility for survival onto victims while
allowing perpetrators and systems to escape
accountability.
WHY “JUST LEAVE” GETS IT WRONG
The advice to “just leave” rests on three false
assumptions:
- That a victim is free to leave at any time
- That leaving ends the abuse
- That fear is a sign of weakness
In abusive relationships, none of these assumptions
hold.
Victims are often financially controlled, socially
isolated, digitally monitored, or bound by immigration
status, children, cultural expectations, or threats of
retaliation. Leaving may mean homelessness, loss of
custody, community rejection, or immediate physical
harm. For many, staying temporarily feels safer than
stepping into an unprotected unknown.
Fear, in this context, is not cowardice. It is risk
awareness. SURVIVORS ARE NOT PASSIVE, THEY ARE
CALCULATING SURVIVAL
Most survivors leave psychologically long before they
leave physically. They weigh danger constantly.
If I leave now, will he follow? If I tell my family, will
it get back to him? If I involve the police, will it
escalate? If I stay a little longer, can I save money or
secure documents?
What looks like hesitation from the outside is often
strategic delay.
This is why education, intelligence, professional
success, or personal strength do not guarantee safety.
Abuse is not a failure of confidence, it is a system of
coercion designed to restrict choice.
WHAT A SAFE EXIT ACTUALLY LOOKS
LIKE
A safe exit is rarely dramatic. It is quiet, gradual, and
often invisible.
It may involve:
- Securing identification and legal documents in
secret - Saving small amounts of money over time
- Rebuilding trusted support networks discreetly
- Disabling digital tracking and shared access • Planning around children’s safety
- Leaving without warning
Crucially, it often requires secrecy. Announcing
departure, issuing ultimatums, or demanding change
can significantly increase danger. The safest exits are
usually the least confrontational.
Leaving safely is not about bravery in a single
moment, it is about preparation over time.
LEAVING DOES NOT END ABUSE, IT
CHANGES ITS FORM
Another persistent myth is that leaving brings instant
freedom.
In reality, many survivors experience post-separation
abuse: stalking, harassment, threats, financial
sabotage, legal manipulation, and continued violence.
Court proceedings, child contact arrangements, and
immigration processes are frequently weaponised to
maintain control.
Without continued safety planning and support,
leaving can expose survivors to new and sometimes
greater risks. WHEN “HELP” MAKES THINGS WORSE
Well-meaning friends, family members, and faith
leaders often push survivors to leave immediately or
to stay and endure. Both responses can be dangerous.
Pressuring someone to leave before they are ready or
resourced can increase harm. Encouraging them to
stay for the sake of marriage, faith, or reputation traps
them in escalating danger.
The most helpful response is not instruction. It is
support without pressure.
WHAT SURVIVORS NEED TO HEAR
INSTEAD
Survivors need to hear: - You are not weak, you are surviving.
- You do not owe anyone a timeline.
- Safety matters more than appearances.
- Planning is not failure, it is wisdom.
When we shame survivors for staying, we silence
them. When we rush them to leave, we endanger them. SUPPORT FOR A SAFE EXIT
Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous,
especially without a plan.
The Olanike Omopariola Foundation (TOO
Foundation) provides survivor-centred guidance,
advocacy, and support to help individuals plan a safe
and strategic exit from abusive relationships. Victims,
as well as friends and family seeking to support them
safely, can reach the Foundation via
www.toofoundation.org, by email –
info@toofoundation.org or through all TOO
Foundation social media platforms.
STRATEGY IS STRENGTH
It is time to change the narrative.
Leaving an abusive relationship is not a moral test or
a measure of courage. It is a complex survival strategy
carried out under threat. Survivors do not need
judgment or simplistic advice. They need safety,
resources, and systems that protect them before,
during, and after exit.
Until we understand that, the question should never be
“Why didn’t she just leave?” The real question is:
Why is leaving so dangerous and then blame survivors
for surviving it?
Oluwatoyin Omotayo Esq is the
Founder TOOF
